Now, I say!

Sometimes being impatient is incredibly wearing.

On occasion, I have been able to sit back and say, "These things need time. Breathe, and wait."

More often than not, however, I demand results. Sooner, rather than later. I don't need everything, but at least a few small tokens to get me through to the next stage.

Chris maintains I am comprised entirely of id. "I want, gimme, gratification NOW."

He might be on to something.

Mucking about in Nova Scotia

Well, it's that time of year when I brave the eastern ocean air and family tempests. And lucky me, I brought the shitty weather from Toronto with me, so while Toronto begins to bask in a rarely seen spot of dryness and warmth (usually Toronto summers are roasting, but nae so much this year), Nova Scotia turns very cool and rather wet.

A very sinister kind of torture for me, given the fact that I despise winter -- summer is the only season I really look forward as spring can still host snow and fall only heralds the approaching six months of misery and cold.

The family, of course, is doing their very best to drive each of us into a frenzy. Tears. Tempers. Sulking. And amusingly enough, not by me. Not yet, at any rate. In a few more days, I will weary of being genial and fence-sitting, and will eventually crack and explode.

Family. Such fine fun.

So I've really only spent the last few days laying low, sleeping, staying out of the rain and reading almost non-stop (re-read Wilde's The Picture Of Dorian Gray as I disliked it while in high school -- and am very happy I did). Tomorrow is possibly sunny -- I say possibly, because it is very likely a cold, damp fog will roll in off the ocean. It has a funny way of doing that here.

But the best part of this vacation is that it's given me a much-needed breather -- time to reassess, gather my remaining shreds of ego and regroup for the last push. Time is running short, and I have lots to do.

I will make this writing thing work if it kills me.
Which it may very likely do.

But at the very least, people can sit back and say, "She was stubborn as hell -- but she still barrelled through when things turned heinous."

Although I do agree with Wilde... "All art is quite useless."
Be a good tattoo, I think.

Whoopsie!

I didn't think anyone would notice when I clammed up for a bit.

But for a while, I've realized that I've become dreadfully silent on my blog. Maybe it was a turn when an unexpected encounter made me turn inward and vague. Maybe it was was lack of things to say.

Maybe it was simply because I couldn't bear to put into writing how I really feel about myself, and the direction my life has turned.

Things have gone from hard to worse. Financially, I'm probably at the most penniless I've ever been in my life. Am thinking of cancelling my cell phone (which is already on the cheapest plan I can find). I'm further in debt, and the "inbox" has slowed to a trickle. I can barely explain this to people I know, because very few people understand the concept of "no money." Not in the sense of third-world poverty or homelessness, of course. Just in the sense of having no disposable income, no investments, no savings... just debt. Counting down to the cent. Feeling guilty for splurging on a drink at Starbucks. Shuffling around your bill payments so you don't end up with creditors snarling at you over the phone.

I think the words I'm looking for are "professional failure."

I never expected any of this to be easy. But the last few months have sort of driven me to a point where I realize that my lifestyle as it stands will have to end. For a little while, at least. I have until December 31, 2008 -- if I can survive that long -- before I switch all gears, and investigate new things. Office things. God, how I hate the idea!

Ironically, my writing has only improved over the last little while. More focus, better results. Better (in my eyes) writing. Hell, I even started a BOOK. It's a little odd, but I'm having great fun with it so far. It's not the serious novel I always imagined writing... but it's 100 per cent me, and I think that's more important.

I've also been working on screenplays, which I find great fun, due to my affection for dialogue. Over-affection, perhaps.

Other than that, I keep busy. Walking. Biking. Going to the pool. Occasionally whoring myself out to temp job I despise.

I was never ready for success before. Now I'm ready... but I wonder if it may have passed me by.