Whoopsie!

I didn't think anyone would notice when I clammed up for a bit.

But for a while, I've realized that I've become dreadfully silent on my blog. Maybe it was a turn when an unexpected encounter made me turn inward and vague. Maybe it was was lack of things to say.

Maybe it was simply because I couldn't bear to put into writing how I really feel about myself, and the direction my life has turned.

Things have gone from hard to worse. Financially, I'm probably at the most penniless I've ever been in my life. Am thinking of cancelling my cell phone (which is already on the cheapest plan I can find). I'm further in debt, and the "inbox" has slowed to a trickle. I can barely explain this to people I know, because very few people understand the concept of "no money." Not in the sense of third-world poverty or homelessness, of course. Just in the sense of having no disposable income, no investments, no savings... just debt. Counting down to the cent. Feeling guilty for splurging on a drink at Starbucks. Shuffling around your bill payments so you don't end up with creditors snarling at you over the phone.

I think the words I'm looking for are "professional failure."

I never expected any of this to be easy. But the last few months have sort of driven me to a point where I realize that my lifestyle as it stands will have to end. For a little while, at least. I have until December 31, 2008 -- if I can survive that long -- before I switch all gears, and investigate new things. Office things. God, how I hate the idea!

Ironically, my writing has only improved over the last little while. More focus, better results. Better (in my eyes) writing. Hell, I even started a BOOK. It's a little odd, but I'm having great fun with it so far. It's not the serious novel I always imagined writing... but it's 100 per cent me, and I think that's more important.

I've also been working on screenplays, which I find great fun, due to my affection for dialogue. Over-affection, perhaps.

Other than that, I keep busy. Walking. Biking. Going to the pool. Occasionally whoring myself out to temp job I despise.

I was never ready for success before. Now I'm ready... but I wonder if it may have passed me by.