Life is a never-ending series of lessons...

That's right, my children. It's true. Life indeed has its own series of vexatious little lessons, all designed to open your mind and teach you that you still know absolutely nothing at all.

Lesson #1: Life is barely hanging in for most of us.
You can sit in a van with the driver who is adjusting his oxygen feed -- all the while barely looking at the road while he adjusts the tube and fiddles with the settings -- and still survive. This time. Try not to think of the dangerous swerves, though.

Lesson #2: Life will always intriduce you to a new, debilitating phobia.
Hannah, meet the dentist. Dentist, meet... oh crap. I've left. Quickly.
I suspect my newly-discovered dental anxiety was a result of over-exposure as a young'un.

Lesson #3: Life makes your bed dirty.
Specifically when you have beloved cuffs on your jeans. Somehow, when you shuffle through the leaves on your way home like a nine-year-old, these cuffs collect all sorts of leaves... which are then dumped on the carpet, the couch, in the bed...

Lesson #4: Life costs money. And no one is gonna pay up.
Bitches, send me my money, or I'll come down and beat your asses. Seriously.

Lesson #5: When you're not paying attention, life hurts.
Feeling distracted? Then there's no better time for your new (and newly washed) socks to roll behind the washing machine. When you dive to rescue them, be sure to drive your index finger into the dryer above the machine. Bend back the nail as much as possible.

Lesson #6: Life sometimes gives you tools to help out.
Like BBQ tongs, which were used to rescue erstwhile runaway socks.

Lesson #7: Life will torment you by giving you only a little bit of what you want.
Like new jeans that fit you like nobody's business. But you will never find them again. Boo...



And thus, my little lemmings, todays lessons are concluded.