"I can't believe you are not shutting up!"

I don't sweat the small stuff. Little injuries, minor offences and insults... stupid stuff.

But I recently have realized that when hurt or angered in fairly high degrees, it's difficult for me to shrug it off, and almost impossible to forgive. And even when I think I've moved on, my subconscious reminds me that I'm angry.

Several months ago, a close and dear friend sent me a ridiculous email, listing a number of (supposed) offences I had committed against her. Things worsened, and then were patched up. A couple of weeks ago, I had several dreams in which I screamed at my friend. I shouted at her for betraying me, for hurting me. I woke and realized, "Holy shit... I'm still super pissed off about all that."

Which makes me fear for the people and things that have hurt me irreparably. In some cases, I have merely moved on. In other cases, I have acknowledged the change in the relationship, and allowed the sleeping dogs to lie.

And in other situations, I still nurse a small, dense lump of rage.

But never have I actually forgiven any of them. I'm not even sure I'm capable of it. Of course, this makes me wonder if a) I still have quite a bit of evolving to do; or b) I need to actually address these things (well, people) in order to move on.

Or option "c" -- continue to repress and avoid, and watch the fun begin.

Ooh rah.