So long, good mood...

Do your friends like you?

Was greeted by an unexpected and unpleasant email today by a person I considered one of my closest friends in the world.

It seems that I have apparently not been a good friend at all. It seems I am actually a big fucking asshole.

So a quick email sent off to some of the more important chums in my life has been sent off, demanding to know if this is an across-the-board consensus, or whether it is simply localized.

Amongst the choice comments I received in the original email:

"I feel guarded. I am always waiting to be the target of sarcasm or judgement, and I leave thinking, 'does Hannah even really like me? Does she actually care about me?'"

"I question our friendship, sometimes wondering why you even want to hang out. Being the target of sarcasm is funny sometimes, but it can also be very hurtful to me and unrewarding."

"When I put myself out there, it's like I am hit with judgement and maybe even rivalry, I am not exactly certain where the root lies. I am holding back on sharing my successes and failures, my relationship and how I feel about some of the things
that are said to me. It's like I am not a factor, or my feelings aren't, when it comes to getting a jab in at my expense."


Of course, posting this here just goes to prove what an asshole I am.

Truth is, I bawled my ass off when writing the reply. I burst into tears no less than five times. I didn't -- and still don't -- know how to respond to this, but I did anyway.

I was actually pretty pissed that the person in question sent off this laden missive with issues that had been saved up for months and months, rather than actually saying any of this to my face. That's what upset me the most. Along with the insinuations that I am (and I quote from my response): "mean, hurtful, sarcastic, call you mean things, I exclude you, I don't care about your feelings and I hate your significant other."

Because yes, I believe the catalyst to all of this is the fact that I don't adore this person's partner. I'm always very polite and friendly... but I just can't like them. This, apparently, makes me a bad person. Close-minded and horrid.

Anyway, this whole issue has thrown me for a loop. I didn't get the email until 1:30 am. The response took me ages (it's long as hell, too), and then I had to actually start my work -- which I was going to do after returning from my walk.

So sleep will be minimal, I think.

*sigh*

What a shitty end (start?) to the day.