Action and consequence.

Have found myself oddly compelled to assess the overall goodness of my life recently.

Maybe it was the fact that Flatliners was on a few weeks ago -- an intended effect of the movie, of course, but one nevertheless examined -- and I spend days or even weeks trying to evaluate the various deeds and misdeeds of my life.

Some are easy to mend. Slights, letting people down -- these are all things easily apologized and forgiven. But then there are the more sinister errs -- the ones you did unknowingly.

Like when you were young. Did you inadvertently bully someone? Were your schoolyard fights justified? Was something that was completely forgettable to you completely humiliating for another?

I sometimes worry that I was somehow unfair, and mean. Were people I recall as being jerkish loudmouths (boys, of course -- girls rarely bothered me) were just trying to defend themselves? Did I inflict or contribute to long-term psychological damage?

Not that I was a nasty kid, or that I picked on kids who were different than I. Hell, I got my own form of regularly mockery from other people (and a bullying older girl while I was in ninth grade who didn't actually do anything but glare and jostle me -- for the life of me, to this day I don't even know why). But kids are incredibly insensitive and stupid. I couldn't possibly have been an exception.

It's a disturbing thing to ponder. If you died tomorrow, where would your biggest sins lie? What would be the things you would dread facing the most?

There are, of course, things I can't be forgiven for. Things that when my deeds are tallied up, I will be required to answer for. And for most of those, I readily accept my punishment.

There are some things that were unforgivable, though necessary. And people treated badly, though unintendedly.
And those are just things I have to live with.

But it'd be nice to know exactly which people I was horrible to. If it's you, let me know.

I can't pay you off or anything, but I do write very nice apologies.