This Matter Of Friendship
Many months ago (or possibly more than a year ago), a friend and I once had a conversation as we walked along. It consisted of the half-serious question -- would friendships benefit from a a pre-signed contract? (My chum actually wrote a column on it, but it was a mutual idea that seems to be gaining some merit as I grow older and watch friends disappear slowly, or vanish almost instantly. Perhaps I smell bad. I don't know.)
This contract, we suggested, would not be so much as legally binding, but a sort of a moral obligation. The contract would expire at the end of every year, at which point the two friends in question would be sent a notice stating that their agreement would need to be terminated, renewed, or renegotiated.
The contracts could start out simple -- "The following two parties agree to retain an understanding of friendship and camaraderie for the period of ____________ to ____________." Detailed in the contract could be rules outlining specific obligations (such as visiting and time spent together, outlining restrictions for additional support in times of crisis, decision-making veto power, birthday acknowledgements, invitation priorities, etc, etc).
This way, should a friend desire to end such a friendship, the contract could expire with less hurt feelings, yet simultaneously indicating that the friend was no longer desirable in the other's life. There would be no misunderstanding, or leftover feelings of "where did so-and-so go?" At the same time, the friends could continue their friendship with other parties -- knowing that each was welcome in the other's life.
In fact, I'm sure there could be an entire business (or at least a specialized website) dedicated to informing interested parties of their friendship status. Should the contract need to be quickly terminated, there would be a standardized list of exceptions where the contract could be broken. And should one party wish to end the friendship earlier than the allotted expiry, there would be financial penalties (again outlined in the contract -- ie, $200 Sephora gift certificate, break-up dinner at Mildred Pierce, a new pair of Nike trainers, etc.).
Think of how much hassle you would save when meeting a potential new friend... the signing of the contract indicates their serious intent (with, of course, a three-month non-penalizing probationary period where either party could exit discreetly). Or when a friend suddenly drops out of your life, you no longer have to wonder what you did. And no awkward break-ups, or that nagging feeling of guilt when you begin to avoid someone because your life suddenly has different priorities. Or it can let a friend now that the friendship can still exist, only that the original terms must be altered to reflect changing situations (i.e. arrival of children, relocating to distant country, placement in psychiatric institution, or some such event or accident).
It would be suddenly clear.
Funnily enough, this isn't a new idea -- other people have debated on the Friendship Contract idea for ages, but only in a sense of a legally binding agreement for an indefinite period of time. In this particular mode of contract, friends would be able to retire outdated pals gracefully, or reaffirm their commitment.
Of course, this all makes sense to me -- other people might take it the wrong way. Coincidentally, I discovered that Calvin And Hobbes (fuck me, do I miss this cartoon) had a similar conversation:
Calvin: Here, Hobbes. I've drawn up a friendship contract for you to sign.
Hobbes: A contract?
Calvin: Right. It codifies the terms of our friendship. You can renegotiate in 20 years.
Hobbes: People are friends because they want to be, not because they have to be.
Calvin: That's what this fixes.
Hobbes: If your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
This contract, we suggested, would not be so much as legally binding, but a sort of a moral obligation. The contract would expire at the end of every year, at which point the two friends in question would be sent a notice stating that their agreement would need to be terminated, renewed, or renegotiated.
The contracts could start out simple -- "The following two parties agree to retain an understanding of friendship and camaraderie for the period of ____________ to ____________." Detailed in the contract could be rules outlining specific obligations (such as visiting and time spent together, outlining restrictions for additional support in times of crisis, decision-making veto power, birthday acknowledgements, invitation priorities, etc, etc).
This way, should a friend desire to end such a friendship, the contract could expire with less hurt feelings, yet simultaneously indicating that the friend was no longer desirable in the other's life. There would be no misunderstanding, or leftover feelings of "where did so-and-so go?" At the same time, the friends could continue their friendship with other parties -- knowing that each was welcome in the other's life.
In fact, I'm sure there could be an entire business (or at least a specialized website) dedicated to informing interested parties of their friendship status. Should the contract need to be quickly terminated, there would be a standardized list of exceptions where the contract could be broken. And should one party wish to end the friendship earlier than the allotted expiry, there would be financial penalties (again outlined in the contract -- ie, $200 Sephora gift certificate, break-up dinner at Mildred Pierce, a new pair of Nike trainers, etc.).
Think of how much hassle you would save when meeting a potential new friend... the signing of the contract indicates their serious intent (with, of course, a three-month non-penalizing probationary period where either party could exit discreetly). Or when a friend suddenly drops out of your life, you no longer have to wonder what you did. And no awkward break-ups, or that nagging feeling of guilt when you begin to avoid someone because your life suddenly has different priorities. Or it can let a friend now that the friendship can still exist, only that the original terms must be altered to reflect changing situations (i.e. arrival of children, relocating to distant country, placement in psychiatric institution, or some such event or accident).
It would be suddenly clear.
Funnily enough, this isn't a new idea -- other people have debated on the Friendship Contract idea for ages, but only in a sense of a legally binding agreement for an indefinite period of time. In this particular mode of contract, friends would be able to retire outdated pals gracefully, or reaffirm their commitment.
Of course, this all makes sense to me -- other people might take it the wrong way. Coincidentally, I discovered that Calvin And Hobbes (fuck me, do I miss this cartoon) had a similar conversation:
Calvin: Here, Hobbes. I've drawn up a friendship contract for you to sign.
Hobbes: A contract?
Calvin: Right. It codifies the terms of our friendship. You can renegotiate in 20 years.
Hobbes: People are friends because they want to be, not because they have to be.
Calvin: That's what this fixes.
Hobbes: If your friends are contractual, you don't have any.
posted by /hg | 12:40 a.m.
3 Comments:
you're being silly, but you knew that already.
the *whole point* of friendship is its looseosity. that's a new word meaning an acceptable, nay desirable, tendency to flexibility and acts of irrationalillity, which is another new word meaning an act of thoughtless-but-motivated-by-kindness stupidity.
now do you understand? the contract - phrased with sufficient accuracy to cover these acts of emotional repression - has yet to be drafted.
ro.
Looseosity... is that like ease-ability? Or laid-backness?
I am being silly. But still, a contract of this sorts would help paranoid neurotics like myself deal with flaky and inconsistent friends.
Of course, I could achieve much the same result with bribery... or even "purchasing" my companions. Sort of like a cattle auction.
"Short" of course, being the operative word... shorty.
Does that chai latte have to be fresh and untouched, or can I just shunt you the watery remains of my next one?
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home